What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Marry the Wrong Guy

You will cry a lot. 

Even if you’ve never been much of a crier, you will somehow start make an ocean of ugly tears.  If you give your heart away and start to lay your life down for a guy who hasn’t shown he’s ready to lay his life down for you, you’re going to cry.  It doesn’t matter if he told you he loves you.  If he hasn’t actually proposed, he doesn’t love you yet.  He’s just confused by how beautiful you are.  If he doesn’t know you well enough to buy a ring for you and get down on one knee and ask you to spend the rest of your life with him, he doesn’t know you well enough to ACTUALLY love you.  Don’t confuse his temporary infatuation with lasting commitment.

Expect to fight (dramatically and often).

All of your friends at some point will probably ask you why you two are still together because all you do is fight.  You’ll think it’s because ‘they don’t KNOW him’ like you know him.  But they probably do know him.  And they definitely know you.  Don’t be too quick to dismiss their opinions.

You might try to convince yourself that your own desires are God’s Will. 

Oooohh, this one is painful.  And this can be very damaging.  Keep praying.  But tell God about what’s on your heart.  Don’t presume to know what He’s asking of your life yet.  Ask God to change the desires of your heart if they are not what He wants for you.  Do NOT try the other way around.  If you try to somehow conform God’s Will to the desires of your heart, you’re going to blow up your life and drown in that ocean of ugly tears.

You will probably think you can change him. 

You can’t change him.  He’ll change only if he wants to change.  You’re dating him and not some imaginary future version of him that exists in your head.  If you don’t want to be with who he is right now, you don’t want to be with him.  Go find the guy you actually want to be with.  He’s much more fun anyway!

You might try to pressure him into a proposal.

It doesn’t matter if you thought this wasn’t the type of girl you’d ever be.  Once you lose your heart too quickly, you’re probably going to be this girl.  You’ve told yourself a million times, “I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me.”  But if you lose your heart with no commitment, it will change you.  It will make you feel and act desperate.  You can also expect to emotionally manipulate him without even realizing it.  And BONUS, you’ll get to feel constantly pulled in and pushed away by his indecision about his feelings for you.

You can lose good aspects of self.

When you lose your heart too quickly, there WILL be casualties.  And they will probably be your self-esteem, self-confidence, self-awareness, and self-possession.  These qualities will start to feel like things you need to get over in order to love him unselfishly.  But don’t listen to that voice.  It’s a lie.  That’s not love.  You have dignity and value.  You deserve to be treated well.  You’re a daughter of Christ.  Don’t become lost in someone else and fool yourself into thinking it’s a gift to him.  He doesn’t want it.  And that is not what love demands of you.

You might fail see the pain of other people.

If you’ve emotionally tied yourself to the wrong guy, you’re going to be in pain a lot of the time.  And when you’re not in pain, you’ll probably feel euphoric.  He’s going to start feeling like a drug to you.  And you’re going to be too busy and consumed with all of that mess to see that other people are in pain too.  You’ll be trying really hard not to be selfish, but you will act selfishly.  And you won’t be able to comfort anyone else, because you’re always going to be the one who needs comforting.

Expect to annoy all of your friends.

As much fun as it is for them to be canceled on every time your boyfriend decides he’s free, your friends will eventually tire of this.  And however interesting it is for them to listen to you go ON about him when you actually show up, there are limits.  When your toxic relationship finally ends, they’re going to be the ones to help bring you back to life.  Don’t take them for granted.

Be prepared to develop an unhealthy relationship with food.

You’re probably either going to gain 20 pounds by drowning your misery in ice cream and pizza and then feel disgusted with yourself, OR you’ll stop eating enough food all together.  You might think, “If I’m thin enough I can be pretty enough, and THEN he’ll love me.”  You can never be thin enough to force someone else to love you.  You can only be thin enough to be crabby all of the time and to make yourself more miserable than you were before.

Expect to feel jealous. 

It doesn’t matter if you’ve never been jealous a day in your life.  When you give your heart away to someone who’s not fully committed, you will feel stabbing pains of jealousy every time he even looks in the direction of another girl. You’ll imagine them falling in love and getting married and skipping off in to the sunset together.  And guess what?  You’re feeling this way, because they actually might.  You’re not married.  And when you act married BEFORE you’re married, jealousy is a natural result.  You can also definitely expect to become a social media stalker.  Hey, you might even become an “in real life” stalker!  Either way, it’s not a good look for you.

Get ready to mourn the loss of your imaginary future.

If you pin all of your hopes and dreams and future’s happiness on one man who hasn’t committed, you will have a picture in your head of what that future with him looks like.  You might picture your house, your kids, and your weekend trips to the farmer’s market.  This dreamy little picture will be perfect and idyllic and you’ll start to associate him with all your pictures of future happiness.  And when you lose him, you’ll feel like you’ve lost your whole future.   But you don’t know what your future looks like.  God has something better in store for you than you can possibly imagine right now.  Keep that picture open to His possibilities.

Expect to eventually get over him.

If you’ve made the mistake of giving your heart away too soon and anything here rings true for you, trust me when I say it WILL get better.  If the love between a man and woman in marriage mirrors the image and likeness of God, then the separation of man and woman can definitely feel like Hell.  But God can heal all things.  Draw close to Him and give Him your whole heart.  That’s what you were made to do.

Just another heartbreak survivor,
Danielle Getzin

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